Jan. 3rd, 2010

erkhyan: My fursona (Default)

... or... well, happier than mine anyway. Because, see, a few hours before the year ended, I lost my newly acquired job. How, why? Simple enough: I went to work, got told that I didn't fit their expectations (too unexperienced in video editing — where does that fit in the job description for 3D graphist?) and got sent home. With pay, at least (16 days at $5 per day), and the reassurance that I'm welcome to come back to work with them as soon as I get more experienced in that field.

Heh, dropping my morale and self-esteem into the deepest mine shaft but at least providing it with a parachute, right? Well, update the count then: two jobs lost in a month, three in a year, five in two years. Though this is a first: for once, my losing a job has to do with my skills or rather lack thereof.

For the rest of the (loooong) last day of 2009, I spent a lot of time thinking. Why do I keep trying to get jobs as a graphist? That's all I've done in the past four years and a half. Yeah, it helped me build some (now greatly reduced) savings, but it also got me burnt out in what I always used to like doing for fun: drawing. So not only I get stressed at work, I can't even find back the joy of drawing anymore. Quite the nightmare when you consider that meanwhile, picture ideas keep popping in my mind at the rate of at least five times a week.

Now, can you count how many finished drawings I did this year? Four. Frickin' four, and absolutely none in the last six months... and I used to draw at least one every week not so long ago! It gets even worse knowing that, looking at those four pictures, I'm dissatisfied in them. I mean, yeah, I like how they came out, but they still look like I could have done a far better job on them (especially [livejournal.com profile] wolfbrothersong and [livejournal.com profile] redstar918's picture — thanks for giving me that occasion, guys, it means more to me than you can think, but in the end I still feel like I gave you something far below the quality I wanted to give)

Now, what do I know how to do besides drawing? Writing (or at least, passable fiction writing — or so I hope!). Getting interested in the workings of languages. Memorizing lots of scientific facts. I also read and criticize a lot.

What stops me from finding a job in these? Let's see. Writing and reading are also hobbies to me. I could get burnt out on that too, which I'm not exactly sure I'd like to happen. Not to mention how I write as fast as an armless cripple, and how writing here tends to be as financially profitable as selling pork in Saudi Arabia anyway. What about languages and scientific things? Well... useless. Pretty much. And did I mention I have no diploma on these? If I found a job offer in that domain, the chances of my application looking better than most are pretty low.

Dad suggested that I work freelance. A good idea I guess, but here comes the problem: working freelance requires a lot of managing skills, which I cruelly lack. No kidding. I don't have the resourcefulness of my cousin Angelo or my former coworker Feno. Nor do I have the contacts they have — my social status as the quiet lonely guy works against me on this one.

I know, that's a lot of whining. But I should be allowed to, right? 2009 for me ended with the loss of a job and a lonely night at home with no one to talk to (oh, and thank you, Ma-TV, for broadcasting a movie about a girl dying of cancer. It certainly raised the morale of a lot of viewers). Then 2010 began with self-doubt plenty in my mind and the realization that my native country is slowly but certainly turning into a police state. "Happy new year guys, did you see the truck full of armed soldiers? Festive, ain't it? And the political atmosphere — 'Shut up or get locked up,' how fun!"

Well, this had better be a year full of welcome surprises. One where I can finally consider moving in with [livejournal.com profile] worksinreallife, or if not, at least one that brings me closer to that goal (instead of farther as 2008 and 2009 definitely did). One without too much political trouble sinking the country even more into the garbage pit it fell into (Too late!). One spent living and preparing for the future instead of just surviving and living by the day.

Hmm... I guess I should stop the whining. I should make the list of people I'm glad I've had. In no particular order:

  • [livejournal.com profile] wolfbrothersong and [livejournal.com profile] redstar918 for being friendly and for providing me the perfect picture of what I want my future to be.

  • [livejournal.com profile] worksinreallife for being the one I see with me in that picture. I wanted to write everything I feel about you here but that can't be expressed in words I guess, so I'll just go the easy way and say: thank you for letting me be your other half, even if distance still prevents me from expressing that the way I'd want. As of today, that's 923 days of separation we'll need to catch up on, Hon ;-)

  • [livejournal.com profile] shark_008 — that's been, what, six years that we've known each other? And you still haven't done anything to make me want to stop calling you a friend. Never say again that you're a bad person who pushes everyone away — I'm proof enough that you're not.

  • [livejournal.com profile] ziabandito555 — one "thank you" for each page you've written that I've liked reading would probably overload LiveJournal's servers pretty fast ^_^

  • [livejournal.com profile] altivo and Quinn, for your encouragements and for talking to a guy (more or less) half your age as an equal. Makes me feel distinguished, you know? ;-)

  • [livejournal.com profile] notveryathletic for always being the playful pup in your comments (this was brought to you by meep!).

  • [livejournal.com profile] amonomega for that one picture, and, I'll be honest, [livejournal.com profile] skg_yae31313 for giving me the desire to have it done to begin with.

  • My family here for a lot of things I probably forgot, ungrateful as I am.

  • My family abroad for the support (Despite the shortness of that sentence, it means a lot).

  • Anyone else I might have forgotten who thinks they deserve thanks from me — don't hesitate to speak up, please!

Last thing before I finish: today I went to the inauguration ceremony of a house in Dad's family. The short version is that this is the second time in a week that I attend mass and the second time I get served a lunch that fills me to the brim. Both surely are bad for my health, though I did appreciate the second part (BUUUUUUURP!!!)

And the last words: Lackadaisy Cats. Viktor and Mordecai, so attractive in their own way but so irresistible when put together. The way they bicker like an old couple, the way they resent each other after their separation... Am I bad to imagine that they were probably more than just friends but never acknowledged it? And Zib. Just, Zib. A scrawny concentré of sarcasm that still looks handsome. And Sedgewick... Well, I'll be the devil here and just say that every single appearance of him in the comic so far has made him appear hotter and hotter... especially during the boat promenade >:]

Job jab

Jan. 3rd, 2010 11:28 am
erkhyan: My fursona (Default)
Ugh, as expected Mom is pushing hard again for me to get back into the job-hunting business. Gimme a break, will ya? That End-of-year Big Surprise literally KO'ed me. I'm stressed enough as it is and [livejournal.com profile] worksinreallife's not being around until god knows when means that I don't exactly have anyone to rely on for emotional support around here. So here, please give me a few days... please.


erkhyan: My fursona (Default)
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